LAKIN@LARGE - Getting behind with your watches

August 2011

A few days ago I was on the beach lounging comfortably on a chaise longue ogling a bevy of nubile nymphets as they played in the waves, when my reverie was interrupted by a rather rotund gentleman wearing what appeared to be a thong but on closer inspection were swimming trunks that disappeared into the various folds of his nether region. “Do you have the time?”

I nearly said, ‘Of course I’ve got the bloody time, that’s why I’m on the beach eyeing up the talent’, but instead I fumbled around in my beach bag for a few moments before grumpily emptying everything out on my chaise in search of my watch. I eventually found it stuck inside one of my shoes. It was 12.45. “Thank you, that’s what I thought,” he said as he re-checked a bulky, black digital contraption on his wrist.

Looking more like a Geiger counter than a timepiece I asked if it was difficult to read. “No not at all, it’s just that when I push a button I don’t know if it’s telling me the time, the temperature or how far I am from home,” he explained with a smile. He then waddled off to join a charming young lady with more physical attributes than her parents had bequeathed her and I watched in bemused awe as his plump cheeks wobbled in unison with her pert bikini-clad and ‘siliconed’ derriere as they slowly disappeared into the midday heat haze.

Once out of view, my immediate thought was why was that man wearing a watch that was difficult to decipher. Had clever advertising influenced him or was it one of this summer’s cool and trendy ‘must be seen in’ brands? Then quite suddenly, I had a vision: a watch with a large dial decorated with buttocks, either wobbly male or ‘siliconised’ depending on your affiliation. You pays your money and you takes your choice. Time would be indicated by the cleavage in the cheeks separating into hour and minute hands and the watch would be called ‘The Beach Bum’. A full–page advertisement in Europa Star would blazon the headline: ‘Get to the top with a bottom’. If the watch sported bottoms that could sashay in synchronization with the seconds, I could see Svend Andersen making a mint with that model.

Encouraged by this horological masterpiece, I began to imagine other weird and wonderful timepieces and their accompanying pun – such as a ‘Chess’ watch carrying the sales slogan: ‘No need to pawn your house for this watch.’ Ouch, sorry.

My next inspiration was a timepiece for Sumo Wrestling. The dial would have two massive Japanese rikishi on the dial with the tassels of the belts becoming hands. I thought the song title ‘I’ve got a crush on you,’ was too simplistic but ‘Getting to grips with time’ had a nice ring about it. Alain Silberstein could do a great job on a watch of that calibre.

Then that popular item from down under, the boomerang, came to mind. A dial decorated with Aborigine motifs would be the base and a pulsating boomerang would indicate the time – it would probably have to be a Regulator. The slogan would, of course, read ‘The watch you can’t throw away!’ Perhaps Marvin or Alpina could produce that one.

I’m already running out of space and there are dozens more. However, I’ll finish with a fishing watch whereby the hour hand is a fisherman holding a rod and the minute hand is the line which characteristically rotates 360 degrees to rejoin the fisherman’s rod at 12 o’clock. I toyed with the idea of using a loan shark concept for the ad, but finally decided on an Italian connection: ‘The Codfather’. Panerai could produce that and perhaps Poljot could make a Russian version called ‘Tsardines’.

All of which reminds me of a story about a fisherman who went out in his boat, anchored it in the middle of a lake and within minutes caught the largest trout he’d ever seen. Minutes later he caught an even larger one. As he cast his line again his mobile phone rang and a doctor told him his wife had been admitted to the hospital in a bad way. What to do? His desire to catch an even larger trout won over and he decided to fish a little longer. After three more massive catches he reluctantly went back to shore and drove quickly to the hospital. In the emergency room a grim-faced doctor seeing him still in his fishing gear says, “Your wife is in intensive care and you’ve been fishing? I hope you’re ashamed of yourself.” The fisherman began to sob when the doctor continued, “Well your fishing days are over now. She will require constant care both day and night and you’re going to have to do everything for her. Everything!” The fisherman sobbed uncontrollably, “I’m so sorry, I hadn’t realized how serious the situation was.”

The doctor suddenly grinned and nudging the fisherman with his elbow said, “Just joking, old man, she’s gone. Catch anything?”

Well, you’ve got to laugh haven’t you?

Source: Europa Star August - September 2011 Magazine Issue